omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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