Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
