Yo dont text me then not text me
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
