sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
