I forgot how hot balto sounded
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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