I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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