You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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