so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i would punch a child for taco bell
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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