you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
