We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
