my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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