I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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