by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
