My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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