Pants 0. Shit 1.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
