I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
