I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
