I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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