I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
