Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
