My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
