I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
