note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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