He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
