You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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