the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
