shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
