im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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