I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
