Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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