Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
