ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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