I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
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We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
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Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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