im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
