Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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