I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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