She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
