you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
