the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
