ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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