It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
