I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
