he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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