Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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