ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
