I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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