I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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