Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
