"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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