I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
