I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
