I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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