I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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