I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
