you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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