You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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