nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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