The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
