Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
