he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
