Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
