the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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